Never Be the Same
by tukct81
Summary: This is a post 3x17 story with reference to spoilers for 3x18.  Elena attempts to mend bridges with Damon after a near fatal run in with Rebekah, but angry feelings force them to confront what they are really mad about.
1. Chapter 1

**For all of my readers expecting an update to **_**Setting Things Right**_**, I am so sorry, but I have had terrible writer's block on that story. It will get written. I'm not giving up on it, but I just need more time to find my inspiration again. This story however has been bouncing around in my head ever since Thursday's episode. It is meant to take place after next Thursday's episode where Damon is kidnapped and tortured, but it mostly makes reference to recent events on the show. This is meant to serve as a way for the characters to explain themselves for their stupid, stupid behavior as of late. I am mostly venting, and I hope you like it.**

I almost lost him again I think despairingly to myself as I make the familiar drive to the boarding house. A few moments later and Rebekah might have staked him, and it all would have been over. It would mean that Damon would never flash his arrogant smirk again or make another sarcastic comment or show up in my room unannounced. These were the habits that I had chided Damon about the most, but when I thought he might die, they were the ones that I realized I would miss the most. A few moments meant the difference between a life with Damon and a life without him. Since that night in his bedroom, never has Damon come so close to death as he did today at Rebekah's merciless hands. The thought terrifies me beyond words, because if Rebekah wants Damon dead, she will find a way to kill him. Stefan and I won't be able to stop her forever. Nothing can be done about that, Stefan and I will keep rescuing him until we find a way to secure his safety, or until there is nothing left to save, I think bleakly.

But before I let my deepest worries take hold, I consider the irony that this is the first time that Damon has been kidnapped. For someone so prone to making enemies and pushing boundaries, it is surprising he isn't tortured **more** often. My bit of dark humor almost brings a smile to my face until my guilt resurfaces as it always does, because deep down I know that whatever he did to push Rebekah so far, he did to save me.

No matter what I do or how I treat him, he just keeps saving me. I just wish I could find a way to thank him, to tell him how much it means to me, but lately our conversations revolve around angry accusations and hurt feelings. We keep fighting at the smallest provocation, often without even realizing why. My hope is that tonight we can finally bury the hatchet and work through whatever keeps us stuck in this never-ending cycle of anger, but I'm not holding my breath. Damon hasn't let his guard down around me in too long and neither have I. We're caught in a staring contest and neither one of us is willing to blink first. We both feel that we are in the right, and we are both waiting for an apology that never comes.

When I finally arrive at the house that has become like a second home to me over the past year, I walk right in without bothering to knock. As I enter, I listen carefully for any signs of life, but the house appears empty except for the lone man sitting by the piano downing what is likely not his first glass of bourbon. "Stefan's not here," Damon informs me, clearly misunderstanding my intentions in coming.

What strikes me as odd isn't that he assumes I'm here for Stefan, but that the touch of bitterness that typically follows any mention of his brother appears to have vanished. He isn't angry or resentful. On the contrary, his tone implies acceptance. I realize for the first time that Damon thinks life is just going to go back to normal. I'm sure he expects me to reconcile with Stefan and within a few weeks the two of us will be the picture perfect example of a couple in love. How foolish he can be sometimes. As if life could ever return to what it was. Too much has happened. Too much has changed, and that seems to be our problem in a nut shell, because none of us know where we stand. None of us know how to live in our new reality, not Damon, not Stefan, and certainly not me.

"I'm here to see you," I correct him cautiously, not wanting to provoke another argument.

Damon just lets out a heavy sigh, and he puts down his drink. His body language signals that he is preparing for a fight. The cool detachment in his tone has become too familiar to me over the past couple of weeks, but it hurts me every time I hear it directed at me. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. This wasn't who we were to each other, but it seems that things really had changed. "If you're here to yell at me some more, could you please just leave a note or possibly a message on my voicemail, or hey here's an idea you can text me your angry rant, or better yet go old school and email it. Because I'm afraid a day full of original torture really tires me out, so if you could just go," Damon asks while gesturing towards the door.

His defenses are obviously up and showing no sign of wavering, so I take a seat next to him and tiredly admit. "I'm not here to yell at you. We have done quite enough yelling for one lifetime." I lock eyes with Damon for a moment, and for the briefest second it almost feels like I have him back. But he breaks eye contact, and I know that he's shutting himself off.

His tone doesn't change as he asks me, "Then why are you here, because I have given up guessing your reasons for why you do the things you do? It is exhausting."

"I want to call a cease fire. Whatever we are fighting about, can't we just let it go? You almost died today, and if Rebekah gets her way, you could be dead tomorrow. This isn't the time to be pushing each other away. We should be clinging to each other for dear life," I plead desperately. Damon stares at me in disbelief at my words, but quickly that disbelief turns to anger. He abruptly stands up until he is towering over me, and he catches my gaze as he proceeds to scold me harshly.

"Well forgive me, but I wasn't the one that decided to let go. I'm not the one that gave up." He angrily accuses. There is a fire in his eyes. It should upset me that his temper is exploding, but I find anger preferable to indifference. This consolation does not quell my own fury at his words. Him being angry doesn't infuriate me, but his insistence that I gave up on him sets my blood boiling. Instantly the fire is burning behind my own eyes as well, and I struggle to keep from slapping him across the face.

"That is rich coming from someone who wrote me off the second I hurt his feelings," I bite back cruelly. Damon fights to maintain his carefully honed mask, but I see how much my words have hurt him once more. He looks as if he's been punched in the gut. In the back of my mind, I know how terrible I am being, especially when I came here trying to make amends. But in that instant, I finally realized what I was so mad about. He broke his promise to me. I wasn't upset about Rebekah or Abby or Stefan. These were all small infractions that in another time I would have forgiven within a day or two. I let these fights drag on because I wasn't ready to forgive him for giving up on me. After my words hang there for a moment, I continue with my cathartic release of hurt feelings that I pile at Damon's feet. Now there is more pain in my words than anger as I speak. "I'm sorry for what I said at the ball that night. I truly am. But after all that we have shared in the past few months, how could it all be undone with a few thoughtless words? You didn't even let me explain, because the second the words came out you were done. You were done with caring, and you were certainly done with me. You lied to me Damon, and after everything that is what I cannot forgive," I say with tears filling my eyes. He resumes his puzzled staring, before he finds the words to express his confusion.

Once again, he snaps himself out of his confused pondering to resume yelling at me. "What lie? When have I ever lied to you," he questions bitterly?

It's true that Damon has been more honest with me than anyone, but he sat in this same house weeks ago, and he made a promise that he couldn't keep. He needs to be reminded of that fact. "You said that you would never leave me again. That was a lie," I claim. The night Klaus compelled Stefan to feed on me had been so frightening, but when I opened my eyes and saw Damon again, I suddenly felt so safe. He had come back for me. He promised to stay with me, and I believed him. Promises never did mean much in this town. It was foolish to believe that this would be any different. People always leave.

Damon clearly doesn't understand my reasoning, because he is staring at me like I have three heads. His voice raises with every word, and before he is done, he is fuming in righteous anger. "What are you talking about? I have been here the entire time. You may have been too caught up with Stefan to notice, but I have been here. I was here when I stopped Rebekah from lighting you on fire. I was here when I taught Stefan self-control. I was here trying to solve the council murders and trying to save Ric. Most importantly, I have been here while I was finding a way to kill Klaus. A mission that nearly got me killed tonight, so a little gratitude from you would be nice."

He's waiting for a rebuttal or an outright denial, but he is at least partially correct. He never did leave town. He just left me. "You're right," I admit. "You were physically here, but you just weren't here for me. You checked out of being my friend. You used to be my rock, the person I depended upon above all others, but that man that you used to be, he left me some time ago. You have been there for everyone but me. Do you even remember what it was like before? It was you and me against the world. You used to come see me just to check to see if I was alright. You would come to explain yourself whenever we had an argument, and you would include me on whatever plan you were hatching, but that's all gone now. You left me to deal with everything all alone when I needed you the most," I whisper teary eyed. My parents, Jenna, John, Isobel, they're all dead. Jeremy is gone, and Alaric is losing his mind. My ex-boyfriend is fresh off killing and maiming innocent people, and the one person that I want to talk to most won't even look me in the eyes.

I feel the selfish urge to hurt him like he hurt me. Damon's abandonment stings worse than all the others, because I thought he would stand by me through anything. Without censoring myself, I fire question after question at Damon not really expecting an answer. "Do you have any idea how confusing this is for me having Stefan back? Do you know what it was like to have Caroline practically slam the door in my face and tell me that my best friend couldn't stand to be around me? The answer is no you don't know how any of that felt, because you weren't there. You abandoned me just like he did, just like everyone does. Everyone always leaves," I whimper unintelligibly. Sobs wrack my body, and I expect Damon to comfort me. I expect to feel his strong arms embracing me as he apologizes or whispers that everything is going to be okay, but today is a day for disappointments. He simply stands next to me without uttering a single word until I stop crying.

Damon's next two words break my heart and make me feel more alone than I ever have. "You're wrong," he states strongly. "I didn't abandon you. **You** abandoned **me**, and I'm done being blamed for things that aren't my fault. So go, leave this house and never come back, because you were right about one thing. You and I are **done**, so leave before I forcibly remove you," Damon warns without a trace of sarcasm and without any room for argument. I try to preserve what little is left of my pride by not shedding another tear in his presence. I merely pick myself up and leave without another thought. As I walk to my car, I swear I hear a crashing sound coming from the boarding house, but I am too focused on keeping it together to concern myself. I make it all the way to my car before breaking down. I'm not sure how long I spend in the driveway, but after I can see through the tears again, I drive home wondering how things got this bad, and if anything would ever make it right again.

**I know this was super angsty and depressing, but for anyone who has read my other stories, I specialize in angsty and depressing. The next chapter will be in Damon's perspective and it will be him explaining why he is so upset with Elena. They both are holding on to so much anger right now, and on the show, I don't think either of them care to admit what they are really angry about. That's why I felt compelled to write this explaining their perspectives. I love reviews, because I love hearing what you guys think, and I always respond to constructive criticism. I hope you guys liked the first chapter.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The response to this story has been amazing. I am so glad that you guys are enjoying it. This chapter is going to focus on Damon/Stefan, because I am obsessed with writing Stefan's perspective on Damon/Elena. He always seems to understand so much more about them than he is telling. Pretty much every story I write has at least one chapter with Stefan giving advice to Damon. If it seems out of character for Stefan, just remember that Stefan is at his heart a noble character who does want to do the right thing. I feel like at some point that will lead him to do the right thing for his brother and step aside so Damon and Elena can be happy. At least one can only hope. **

Damon's POV

My frustration and rage bubbles up until it erupts like a volcano. I toss my tumbler into the fire place, overturn furniture, and break a chair on the ground. Once I have satisfied my need for destruction, I survey the damage that was once our living room. My destructive redecorating is interrupted by my brother's voice echoing through the silence. "Rough night," Stefan asks with a questioning inflection in his tone? He inquires with a slight hint of caution and concern in his voice. Stefan knows better than anyone the havoc that I can wreak when I am upset. He clearly does not wish to incur my wrath, so he approaches me carefully, never getting too close.

I have had enough heart to hearts for one night, and I am certainly not going to engage in one with the cause of all my problems. It occurs to me how profoundly selfish it is of me to blame him for my issues with Elena. Stefan didn't ask for everyone to love him more. They just always did. After a while, I accepted it as fact. Stefan was special. Stefan could do no wrong, and I was the black sheep, destined to walk this Earth despised by all. I just never thought I would be despised by her, again. Elena was supposed to be the one person who saw me better than anyone, and if she felt that I disappointed her, then I really must be a heartless bastard. I of course don't tell Stefan any of this. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he was right about my humanity starting to show, so I come up with a witty retort that will hopefully make him leave me in peace. "No, I just thought tonight would be a nice time to reconsider our interior design choices. I call this tornado chic. Tell me brother what do you think," I darkly quip? Stefan lets out a humorless laugh as he continues to play our little game, probably hoping that I will open up about my secret pain, not likely.

"Might be a tad uncomfortable for guests who want to sit if all the chairs are broken and the couches are overturned," Stefan advises with a respectable hint of humor in his voice.

Our back and forth continues effortlessly. Sarcastic quips are our primary mode of communication, why mess with a good thing? "I never was one to encourage visitors, two birds one stone brother," I jokingly add.

The fun part of our evening seems to be at an end, because Stefan chooses this moment to address the elephant in the room. "Ah, I see, so this has nothing to do with the crying girl in our driveway?" Great, I think to myself. Here I was hoping that Elena had made her hasty exit before Stefan arrived.

I let out a frustrated sigh of exasperation, and the emotions that I was attempting to conceal flow freely. "God, she's still here? She can't even abide by one simple request. Vacate the premises. How difficult is that? I swear she is the most stubborn, bone headed, infuriating person that I have ever met . . ."

"But you love her anyway," Stefan finishes for me.

He's right of course. Despite all the arguments and the pain she has caused me, I still can't imagine a world without her. My voice must sound laughably irritated as it raises several octaves. "A fact that I assure you I find really, really annoying," I admit. Stefan nods his head in agreement as if he understands, which I suppose he truly does. He doesn't appear angry or hurt by the truth. Ever since he came back, we have been more open with each other. It seems pointless to try to lie to him. He sees right through me regardless of my evasions and half-truths. Oddly enough, we seem to bond over our shared love of the same woman. Who else in the world could understand? Some days I swear I almost think he wants to help me. The irony that he wants to help repair my relationship with Elena is not lost on me.

"Well if it makes you feel any better technically she did leave, though I suppose you meant leave the property and not just the confines of this house. From the looks of it, she was plenty upset and in no condition to be driving."

And the guilt trip arrives just on schedule, I realize crossly. Just when I think that we are having a moment, Stefan has to get all high and mighty on me, surely thinking that I have done something terrible to upset her. "I'm sure after a few comforting word s from her white knight she was perfectly content again. You two probably bonded over what an ass you think I am. It must have been a nice moment for you. Are you two finally back together, or are you still doing the tortured star crossed lovers' thing? Because you can both stop, it is draining watching all of your moping and your pining."

Stefan just releases a heavy sigh and asks dejectedly, "Surely after all that has happened you cannot truly believe that Elena and I could ever be together again?"

"On the contrary brother, I am quite certain of that fact. Elena has assured me several times that it will always be you. These past several weeks have taught me that I was a fool not to have listened more intently." I loathe the sound of bitterness in my voice. I'm not even sure who I'm blaming anymore. Maybe I'm just blaming the universe for not being fair.

My self-pity is rapidly replaced with shock at Stefan's next question. "Then why is she crying over you and not me tonight?" I stand frozen in place contemplating a response, when Stefan interrupts the silence to convince me further. "You weren't there today when she found out you were taken. Her heart broke for you, and that means something whether you are willing to admit it or not. She just kept repeating I can't lose him; I can't lose him, over and over again like the mere words would keep you alive until she got to you." Stefan's account is a relief to my ears, because there is a part of me that questions whether she would even miss me if I was gone.

Stefan's is clearly weighting his next words carefully, and I start to wonder if he will say nothing at all until the words come out. "Elena loves me and I love her. That is a fact that can't be questioned or undone, but her loving me does not and will never diminish how much she loves you. Because she does, no matter you say, no matter what she says. I know in my heart that she does," Stefan urges me to believe his words. I wish I shared his faith. There was a time when I might have believed him, but that time had come and gone. It was a dream, an illusion, and I needed to return to reality.

I utter the words, "you're wrong," for the second time that evening. This time with far less conviction in my voice, because there is still a small, hopeful part of me that almost dares to believe.

He doesn't press me. He doesn't argue. He only offers a non-committal response. "Maybe," he replies unconvinced. "There is only one way to know for sure," Stefan claims. My ears perk up as he speaks, because my curiosity is getting the best of me. "Go find her," Stefan challenges. "Tell her everything. Tell her how she hurt you. Tell her what you feel. Take one last shot and hold nothing back. Once you do, look into her eyes. Take a good hard look and if you can't see what I have seen for months now, than you are blind, because it's there. Just look her in the eyes and it is right there," Stefan claims emphatically. Stefan offers an uncharacteristic comforting pat on my back before he exits the room, and I can hear the words, "good luck brother," leave his lips in a whisper.

I sit on the floor in the rubble while I contemplate my options. Opening my heart again just to get it stomped on is not a particularly appealing choice, but I can't help wondering if there was some truth in Stefan's words. Elena could have told me that she would never feel anything for me months ago. It would have been a kindness. It might have finally freed me. She had to know that keeping me so close was giving me hope. All our late night talks when she allowed me to touch her face and hold it between my palms. She never once pulled away, never once told me to stop. The only possible explanations for her actions are exceeding cruelty or love. Before the night is over, I am determined to discover which it is. Either she loves me, or she's not the person I thought she was. No matter what, the truth might set me free.

**As Always Please Read and Review**


	3. Chapter 3

**Little warning this chapter is majorly dark and depressing, more than my other chapters. There is also some significant Elena bashing. I do love her as a character, but for her to redeem herself. She needs to hit rock bottom, and the end of this chapter is it. I hope you enjoy. **

Elena's POV

There aren't many perks to living in an empty house, but one of the few is the peace of solitude when you want to be left alone. Ric is still under house arrest at his apartment and Jeremy is still in Denver. There is no one around to ask if I am alright or why I am crying. I don't yet know if I find that a relief or a more depressing thought than I care to contemplate. As I let the silence embrace me, I realize that for the first time I am truly all alone. All my great protectors are dead, gone, insane, or can't bear to be around me anymore. I'm confronted with my greatest fear in a waking nightmare. Everyone I love is gone, and it's all my fault. Before the guilt swallows me whole, the raven haired vampire responsible for my pity party appears silently in my presence. Whether he is here to comfort me loyally or destroy me finally, I can't be sure, but at least I'm no longer alone.

** "**Are you alright," Damon asks distantly as if he doesn't care about my answer? This fuels my anger all over again.

In that moment, I hate him. I hate him for hurting me, and I hate myself for giving him the power to do it. Sarcasm drips from my voice as I choose this ill-timed moment to throw another fit, because while it will likely make my problems worse, it might make me feel better for a moment. "You want to know how I am. I'm all alone, not just in this house, but in this life, and what's worse is that the one person that I want to talk to hates me and can't stand the very sight of me. So to answer your question, no I am not alright." I turn my head away shielding my face from his cold vacant eyes. To his credit, Damon doesn't rise to my bait. He doesn't appear near as angry as he was at the boardinghouse. Determination is the only evident emotion behind his eyes.

"I don't hate you Elena, as much as I might wish to. I just don't like you very much right now," Damon states matter of factly. There is no trace of warmth or love in his voice, but he does sound sincere. This should be a comfort, but it seemed there were so many people in this town who didn't like me, they should form a club, possibly have t-shirts made. They could read _Elena Gilbert: Not quite terrible enough to hate._

I don't understand what he is doing here. He told me never to come back. I assumed that meant that I would never see him again. I figured he would be halfway across the state line by now, running away from me at breakneck speed. "Why are you here Damon? I thought you were done with me," I repeat his earlier words without my former anger, but with the taste of bile in my mouth.

Damon gets a peculiar look on his face that I can't quite place. It is something between amusement, anger, and hurt. Regardless of what he is feeling, it doesn't distract him from his mission in coming. "Maybe I am or maybe I'm not, but before I decide which, you need to give me some answers, and after everything, I thought you owed me that much at least," Damon replies as determined as I've ever seen him.

"What else have I got to lose? Why don't we give honesty a try. Fire away," I respond coolly.

It's then that Damon asks the most bizarre question. "What happened the day you took Bonnie to find her mother?"

Out of all the things he could ask me, this is what he chooses. It is completely off topic, what reason could Damon have for asking? "What do Bonnie and her mother have to do with any of this," I question curiously.

"Nothing at all," Damon replies. "I want to know what happened with Stefan that night."

I groan loudly in frustration. Of course this was some stupid jealously fit about Stefan. How can our arguments always come back to Stefan? "Damon, no matter what you may think, this has nothing to do with Stefan," I reason hoping to reassure Damon before his insecurities get the best of him.

He releases of huff of air that is surely meant as a frustrated laugh of disbelief. "Everything always comes back to Stefan," Damon claims bitterly. "He's why you started to pull away, so I think Stefan is very pertinent to our conversation. So tell me, what did Saint Stefan say to you that night to convince you that he could be saved?"

Stunned does not even begin to cover my surprise at Damon's assessment of that night. How could he possibly know? I am certain Stefan didn't tell him. Now, I am wondering if vampires can truly read minds. I dismiss this idea quickly, because Damon would have teased me mercilessly for some of the stray thoughts floating around in my mind. "How did you know," I quietly ask barely above a whisper?

He doesn't look at me as he explains. Damon simply stares at his feet as the words escape his mouth. He sounds almost contemplative, which is a characteristic that I never once associated with Damon. His tone is so sad, so lost, so defeated. All I want to do is hold him tight and wish the pain away. But I know he would just push me away if I tried, so I stay silent as he enlightens me on the source of his omniscient knowledge. "I spent a long time thinking about the moment, the moment when I lost you. After the ball, I replayed every conversation we had in the weeks prior, and I narrowed it down to that day. Before you left, we were still us. The intense pull between us was still there, but once you came back, you erected this impenetrable wall, and you started pushing me away. So I ask again, what did he say?"

Damon isn't one for letting things go, so I abide by his request and give him what he asked for, the truth. "He said that I was tougher, stronger. It was probably the only nice thing Stefan had said to me in months. For a second, I saw the man that I fell in love with."

I'm not sure what Damon expected me to say. Whatever it was, my account clearly fell below his expectations. His anger makes a sudden reappearance, and his words cut like steel. "One glimmer of humanity, and you forget just like that. You forget about all the lives that he's taken, the cruel words that he's said to you, to say nothing of nearly driving you off a bridge. A tiny ray of hope and you throw me away just so you can get your boyfriend back."

I feel an urge to defend myself, to argue, so I respond with a childlike answer to his accusations. "That isn't fair," I claim defiantly. He makes me out to be a terrible person. If Damon of all people thinks this of me, how heartless have I truly become?

His fury only escalates at my feeble defense of my actions. "Don't you dare lecture me about what's fair," Damon yells bitterly. "For months, I tried to be everything for you. I nursed every wound, wiped away every tear, and fought every battle for you. Never once did I ask for anything in return. All I wanted to do was just be there for you. Once Stefan returned, you wouldn't even allow me that small comfort. You know what the saddest part of all this is? I never expected you to love me. I suppose I thought that I could never deserve your love after all that I've done. But your friendship and your trust, that at least I thought I'd earned. I guess Stefan was right after all. He has something that I never will, your respect." Something inside of me breaks when I hear Damon say that he doesn't deserve to be loved. He spent 145 years driven by an intense desire to be loved. If he didn't deserve it, no one did. I struggle to find the words to convince him that he is wrong, but all I can think of is directly contradicting him.

"I do respect you Damon. I do," tears flow freely down my face as I plead, beg for Damon to believe me. I tug on his arm and try to grab ahold of him for dear life, but he wrenches away from my grasp.

Damon stares into my eyes clearly pained at the words that he speaks, but they leave his mouth all the same. "No you don't," he claims. "You never did, because if you had, you wouldn't have gone behind my back and conspired against me. I would have done anything to help you. All you had to do was ask. I would have found another way to get you what you wanted, but you just didn't give me the chance. So I do sincerely hope that you got what you wanted that night Elena, because it cost you me. Your words were just the wakeup call that I needed to regain control of my own life."

He lets out one last tortured sigh before turning to leave. I run towards him and wrap my arms around his waist, as if a vampire couldn't wiggle free from my grip. "Please," I beg. "Tell me what to say. I'll say it, whatever you want. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, for that night and for all the nights that came before it. I never meant to hurt you." My eyes are brimming with tears. My voice is near whimpering, and I feel physically incapable of letting him go.

His arms grab my own and gently but firmly push me away. "That's just it Elena, you never mean to do any of it. But somehow it always happens. I came here searching for an answer and I got it. Whatever Stefan thought he saw, I don't see, because it isn't there." I don't stop to ask what Stefan saw for fear that the very mention of his name will push Damon away forever. Just as he is about to leave again, he turns back to utter one word. "Why," Damon asks without further elaboration?

"Why what," I respond confused by his one word question?

"Why did you give me hope? Why did you let me get close to you? If you knew you never loved me, why did you let me put my hands on you or kiss you or let me lie in this bed with you? A single word from you would have stopped me. All you ever had to do was say no. You knew that I loved you. You knew that every lingering glance you gave me and every seemingly innocent touch meant the world to me. So please, I am begging you, just tell me why you did it."

I search my mind for the words that will make him stay, something poetic and beautiful, some reason or excuse or logic that Damon could understand and forgive. Instead all I say is, "I didn't know that I couldn't love you. I still don't. I don't know anything."

Damon stares at me with absolute pity and absolute hatred. His words make me feel lower than I thought words ever could. "You may not know, but I think I've finally figured it out. When I look at you, I don't see a woman that loves me. I see a poor little lost girl who was so terrified of being alone that she befriended the town psychopath to comfort her until her white knight returned. And that my love makes me feel sorrier for you than I do myself and that is no easy feat. Stefan is all better princess. Go find him. I'm sure after a little begging he will fall into your arms, and you can have what you wanted all along. The lead is recovered. You don't need his understudy anymore."

My rebuttal leaves my lips before my brain even has time to process it. "I don't want Stefan. I want you," I state desperately. This does catch Damon's attention, and as he turns to look back at me, all I see in his eyes is sadness and pity.

Damon's voice breaks as he speaks. His so called hidden humanity is on full display. "If I believed even half of what you just said, if I thought that you felt even one shred of what I feel for you, it would almost make the rest of it worth it. But the sad truth is, I don't believe you. You're just trying to keep me. I'm sorry Elena, but not wanting to lose me isn't a good enough reason for me to stay." He places one last kiss on my forehead and whispers goodbye. In that instant, I realize that I am never going to see him again, and I break down in the middle of my room.

**As Always Please Read and Review**


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter should be a little less depressing than the last one. It isn't all sunflowers and daisies, but it isn't hopelessly sad either. I hope you guys like it, and a special thank you to all the people who reviewed the last chapter. Apparently Elena bashing is quite popular among Delena fans as of late. **

Elena's POV

I drum my fingers on my thigh waiting impatiently for Ric to wake up. Ever since Damon put Ric on house arrest, we have all taken shifts keeping watch over him. It is just me, Ric, and a helpful tranquilizer gun all alone in the apartment for a few hours until Caroline comes to relieve me. While I'm physically sitting vigil at Ric's bedside, my mind is miles away. Last night's conversation with Damon has been playing on a constant loop, haunting me. I couldn't even find solace in my sleep, because my dreams were plagued with thoughts of him. They weren't even sad memories. My dreams were like a video montage of our happiest moments, our trip to Georgia, Damon carrying me out of the hospital, all our dances together, and a collection of insignificant moments spent laughing, sitting blissfully in each other's company. These dreams were worse than nightmares, because they only reminded me of what I'd lost, and what I could never have again.

Ric's voice breaks me out of my sulking, and I am grateful for the distraction. "I don't think you can call yourself a guard if you are too distracted to watch the prisoner," Alaric quips playfully. I had thought he was still asleep, which only proves his point I suppose.

I manage a tiny smile that is supposed to reassure him that I am alright, but I can tell by the patented concerned parent look that my efforts failed miserably. "Sorry," I apologize genuinely. "I've just got a lot on my mind lately."

Ric's next comment elicits a more genuine laugh that I'm sure is music to his ears. "Which Salvatore and what did he do," Alaric questions half-joking and half-serious?

"Am I that transparent," I ponder aloud?

"Not as much as you might think, but more than I'm sure you'd like. As someone who's lived through his share of heartbreak, it isn't hard to spot, and you look positively sick with it. Last time I checked, there are only two people on this Earth with the ability to break you like that. So again I ask, which one, and what did he do?"

"Damon," I eventually respond, fighting the urge to break down. "But it wasn't my heart, it was his," I confess regretfully. I keep my eyes glued on the tops of my shoes, because I can't bear anymore judgment for my actions. No one else needs to tell me what a horrible person I am. I've got that message loud and clear.

Alaric lets out a heavy sigh, and he is clearly not surprised. Why would he be? Breaking Damon's heart seems to be a bi-monthly ritual. Alaric stares at me until I finally lift my head to meet his eyes, and I see overwhelming pity reflected in them. "Something tells me it's not just his heart that's rather broken today. What happened?"

I've now given up all hope of keeping it together. There doesn't seem to be much reason to, Alaric is family, and you don't hide from family. My voice breaks softly as I ask him my question. "Ric, have you ever done something terrible, something you couldn't take back," I inquire curiously.

Alaric seems to find my question rather funny, because he smiles and maintains a tone of mockery in his voice as he speaks. "You do remember that I am under house arrest for possibly murdering several people." As Ric finishes, the humor is gone from his tone, and the reality of his circumstances settles on his shoulders. A part of me doesn't want to burden him with my teenage drama, but the other part thinks that he needs this distraction now more than ever, so I tell him my story and pray that he doesn't hate me for it.

I'm in no mood to dwell on my actions, so I explain the facts as quickly as I can in hopes that the guilt will not take as strong of a hold. "The night of the Mikaelson's ball Damon told me that he loved me again, and I said that maybe that was the problem." It doesn't take a second for me to see the shock, anger, and disappointment play across Ric's face. I might be like a daughter to him, but Damon is like his brother. I shouldn't be surprised that he is angry with me too.

"How could you do that? Regardless of how you feel about him, you know that your opinion of Damon means the world to him. Are you suffering from multiple personality disorder? You claim to care about him, and then you break his heart. Are you just screwing with him for sport," Alaric angrily accuses. I know he doesn't mean it. What he said was just an accusation made in anger, but it makes me defensive and short tempered.

What happens next can only be described as a moment of complete insanity or perfect clarity, maybe a bit of both. My mind entirely disconnects from my mouth, and I swear no conscious thought passes through my brain before the words come out. "Of course not, I'm in love with him," I shout back defiantly at a stunned Alaric. My hand flies across my mouth once I register what I just said. I replay the words in my mind, and the clarity comes rushing in. I love Damon. More than that, I'm in love with Damon. Damn it!

Alaric continues quietly lying on his bed allowing me to wallow in my own state of shock. When his voice breaks the silence, I realize that he doesn't seem angry anymore. If anything he seems pleased. "I take it by your expression that you came to this epiphany all of two minutes ago," Ric presumes.

I nod my head up and down feeling my face blushing with shame and mortification. Who figures out that they love someone **after** the words come out? Elena Gilbert that's who. This takes the concept of denial to a whole new level. My pity party is once again interrupted by Ric's laughing. I'm now considering shooting him with a tranquilizer dart just to shut him up. This is the opposite of funny. "What are you laughing at? How is any of this funny," I demand seriously.

"You have to admit there is some humorous irony in this whole situation," Ric claims amused. "Damon spends months telling you that you feel something for him. Once he finally throws in the towel, you **accidentally** admit to being in love with him. Damon is going to get a kick out of this."

Ric is right. This should be really funny, but there is one little detail that makes this funny irony into a heartbreaking tragedy. "Damon would find it hilarious, if he were here. He left Mystic Falls last night and he isn't coming back," I inform Ric and all trace of humor leaves his face in a flash. Alaric rises from his bed and pulls me into a hug. I relax against him and sob into his shirt. I finally realize that I didn't just lose my friend. I lost the man that I loved because of my own foolishness, and that I will never forgive myself for.

Ric whispers some comforting words like "there, there" or "everything will be alright," but none of them make me feel better. He finally poses a helpful solution, but I am skeptical of how well it will work. "Bonnie can do a tracking spell. You can go to him. Tell him that you love him, and you both can start your life together. All hope isn't lost yet. You can still bring him back," Alaric reassures me confidently.

The optimist in me surges with a new sense of hope and faith, but the realist in me that emerged after my parents died dampens that hope. "He won't believe me," I tell Alaric dismally.

Ric stares at me puzzled and claims, "of course he will. Why wouldn't he," Alaric questions confused.

I recount the events of the previous night with abject despair, but he doesn't truly understand until I explain that Damon didn't believe that I wanted him even after I said it. If he couldn't believe that I wanted him, how could he ever believe that I love him?

Ric ponders this question for a long while and then he asks one of his own. "You know why he doesn't believe you, don't you," Ric asks expectantly?

My eyebrows scrunch together as I reply, "no, do you," I ask hopefully?

I can tell from Ric's face that he does, because he looks like he has just figured something out. "It's simple really. When you told him that you wanted him over Stefan, you were asking him to accept a lot. If what you said was true, that means that nearly everything that you have said to Damon practically since you met him has been a lie. By telling him that you love him, you are saying that you lied to him for a year, while asking him to trust that you are being honest now," Alaric reasons.

"So basically what you're saying is that I am royally screwed, and that Damon will never believe me." I officially start rescheduling my pity party. Maybe Caroline could host it with a black theme and pointed hats that I could then impale myself on.

Ric breathes out another sigh of frustration as he struggles for the right answer. "I honestly don't know. What I do know is that you have to explain your side of things. If this love is real, which I think it is, then you can't give up. Damon waited for you for a year. True love means waiting, even if you have to wait forever. He's gonna push you away. He's gonna say awful things, possibly do awful things, but you need to show him that you aren't going anywhere. You need to prove that your love is as strong and just as lasting as his is."

"How do you propose I do that?"

"I don't know. Damon didn't fall in love with me. Somewhere inside of you lies the answer. When the time comes you will know what to say that will finally reach him. If anyone can make him believe again, it's you. "

I smile appreciatively at the man who has been like a second or third father to me. Once I leave his embrace, I call Caroline and ask if she can cover for me early. She happily agrees once I inform her of my plans. Even though Caroline would rather I end up with a toad than with Damon, she knows that he loves me and that I love him. Caroline even says that she was wondering how much longer it would take for me to realize the obvious. According to her, the only people who didn't realize that I love Damon were me and Damon. She says that everyone talks about it when we're not around. I groan inwardly to myself that I spent so long being such an idiot. Even Bonnie doesn't act surprised when I tell her that I am in love with Damon and I need to get him back. Granted she isn't thrilled with her involvement in my plan to win back the man who turned her mother, but when I turn my pleading eyes on her, she relents.

Before I head out of town to the location that Bonnie gives me, I make one last stop, because there is something that I need to do before I go. I dial the familiar number and brace myself when I hear his voice on the other line. "Stefan. We need to talk. Meet me at the boardinghouse in five minutes."

**As Always Please Read and Review**


	5. Chapter 5

**This story is sadly nearing its end, and it has been one heck of a ride. This chapter should be a welcome relief for anyone who feels that this story has too much angst. Again no rainbows or unicorns, but much, much lighter. This also should be a good chapter for anyone who has a soft spot for Stefan and Elena. A very smart reviewer reminded me that most of us started this show as Stefan/Elena fans, and I hope I created a fitting end to their love story with this chapter. We can never move forward with our future until we first deal with our past. I hope you all enjoy.**

Elena's POV

When the door swings open at the boardinghouse, I am greeted by a disheveled looking Stefan. His hair looks to be in knots, his shirt is wrinkled, and his face displays his true exhaustion. "Please come in," he hurriedly requests. I step across the threshold and peer into the living room, which looks like a tornado just went through it. While I consider asking about the mess, I think better of it when I see how distracted Stefan is. "If this is about Damon, I'm afraid I don't have any news, at least not good news. I spent all night looking for him. Must have called his cell 20 times, and I rang a few old friends and asked them to keep an eye out, but so far no sign of him," Stefan informs me, clearly more worried than he is letting on.

My heart warms at the sight. Stefan spent all night looking for the brother that he claims to hate. It seems like I'm not the only one living in denial these days. I decide to relieve Stefan's troubled mind. "It's okay I know where he is, and I am headed there once I leave here." He lets out an audible sigh of relief. I call Stefan on his sudden burst of brotherly affection, because I am determined for all denial to end today, not just my own. "Must say I'm impressed, Stefan. Whole lot of effort for someone who claims not care about his brother," I tease mercilessly.

Stefan smiles a genuine smile and looks away. He is practically blushing, and I didn't think vampires could blush. "What can I say? This old house feels a bit too empty without him," Stefan explains somberly.

"Trust me, I know the feeling," I add quietly, thinking of my own brother hundreds of miles away.

Stefan quickly changes the subject to divert my attention to something less tragic. "How did you manage to find him," Stefan asks curiously?

"Bonnie did a tracking spell," I reply simply.

Stefan looks caught between amusement and shock. His tone holds the sound of disbelief in his voice. "Bonnie, Bonnie Bennett helped you do a spell to bring Damon back to town. Did you drug her first," Stefan inquires only half-teasing.

It's my turn to laugh, because it has been too long since something has been truly funny. "No," I deny, unable to keep my giggles restrained. "She participated of her own free will," I assure him. Stefan just stares at me suspiciously as if I offered Bonnie my first born in order to secure her help.

"How did you manage that one Ms. Gilbert," Stefan questions skeptically?

A part of me considers avoiding the question or simply lying, but we all have spent too long lying to each other to let it continue. He would have to hear it sometime. Why shouldn't it be now? After a deep breath in, I confess the truth. "I told Bonnie that the man that I love left town, and he took the biggest part of my heart along with him," I admit, afraid of looking Stefan in the eyes.

Stefan's face softens at my admission, and he freely declares, "I was wondering when you were gonna figure that out. Ideally it would have been before Damon left and not after." Thank you Mr. States the Obvious I think sarcastically.

"When do any of us do things the easy way," I ask with very little humor in my voice? The mood in the room grows deadly serious, and I know that I need to finish what I came here to do. My voice cracks quietly with every word. "I'm sorry Stefan. I am so, so sorry," I apologize sincerely. Stefan wraps his arms around me in a hug when he notices my first tears.

"Don't be sorry Elena, especially not about that. I'm the last person you owe an apology to right now," he assures me. Stefan takes a step back, smiles appreciatively, and knocks me off my feet with his own admission. "If anything, I think I love you **more** because of it," Stefan admits.

My face must look really strange as I stare at my ex-boyfriend who has clearly had an aneurysm or has lost his mind, because what he just said was insane. "You're telling me that you love me **more** for falling in love with your brother while we were still together? That's your story," I question in disbelief?

Apparently I have said something terribly humorous, because Stefan is laughing again. It occurs to me that laughter can be really annoying when it is directed at you. I hit him jokingly on his shoulder until he pulls himself together. Once all trace of humor has left his features, I notice it is replaced with a loving smile. His voice is so comforting to my ears, and his words help quiet my guilt. "I love you **more**, because if Damon hadn't been bitten, if I wouldn't have left with Klaus, you would have stayed with me forever if I'd asked you to. Even though you loved him. Even though you wanted him. You would have stayed with me, out of a sense of duty, loyalty, and a lot of love. How could I not love you for fighting so hard against your own heart for my sake? If anyone should be apologizing here, it's me. Because I knew how you felt, and I selfishly tried to keep you."

My heart is filled and broken with equal measure at Stefan's words. These words that should have been spoken long ago. "How long have you known," I question, keenly interested in his response?

"Since the night Damon and I rescued you from Rose and Elijah. When you were standing on that staircase, you weren't looking for me. You were looking for him. It was in that moment that I realized you had forgiven him. You forgave Damon for something that no one else in the world would ever get over, and you did so without reservations. Only love is powerful enough to forgive so much. That same week when you went to see Katherine and instructed Caroline to distract me, you know what my first thought was? She's with Damon. She figured out that she loved him, and I've lost her forever. Ever since that day, I have struggled to find the courage to do what is right. I'm so sorry that it took me so long to find it. For a year, you loved me more than I ever deserved. Now it's time for you to show Damon the love that he always deserved," Stefan states assuredly.

My hand reaches up to let it rest on Stefan's face one last time. "You know what happens next don't you," I ask sadly, hoping that he won't make me say it.

Stefan raises his hand to mine and places it back at my side as he answers. "It's over isn't it, for real this time and forever?"

"It has to be Stefan. This time it truly has to be, because no matter what happens with Damon. If he runs into my arms or if he slams the door in my face, we can't go there again. If I went back to you, even as a second choice, Damon would always think it was because he wasn't good enough, and that I really couldn't bear," I confess with tears in my eyes.

Stefan wipes my stray tear away and with such maturity and grace he tells me, "I wish you every happiness in this life. No one deserves it more, but it's finally time for us to let go."

It's ironic that in this moment I don't know if I have ever loved him more. I wish to give him one last gift before we part, I hope as friends, and that is the gift of clarity.

"I'm not the only one who has been running from the truth. I was an idiot for one year. You've been an idiot for 146, so take my advice and don't waste another second of your eternity waiting. In a second, I'm gonna walk through that door and go tell the person I love most how I feel. I implore you to do the same, because hanging on to hurt feelings and clinging to all the past wrongs will bring you nothing but misery, and I would never wish that life for you."

"Elena it's not that simple. There is so much that she has done. I don't know if I could ever get past it."

"You said so yourself that love is strong enough to wash away even the worst of misdeeds. Don't let your anger act as your excuse."

With those last words, I leave Stefan behind for good, silently hoping that he leaves soon after. With my past in my rear view mirror, I am finally ready to embrace my future, assuming I'm not too late.

**As Always Please Read and Review**


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay, so I don't know about you guys, but I loved, loved, loved tonight's episode. I was wondering when I was gonna stop being mad at Elena, and the second Elena said there is a difference between what Damon wants and the right thing to do, I totally remembered why I love her. **

**That being said, after actually watching the episode and really watching Stefan act about the whole Damon/Elena thing, every one of you guys who said I was portraying Stefan as too nice and understanding was totally right. Granted my writing has a certain element of wish fulfillment in it, I want Stefan to be a better brother, so I write him that way, but oh my God. Stefan acted so jealous when Elena seemed to care so much about saving Damon. Little side note, he has been Stefan's brother for over 160 years, shouldn't Stefan have seemed **_**more**_** concerned. I loved it when she reminded him that Damon would have halted the plan if the roles were reversed, so true. **

**Anyway episode rant over. This will be the final chapter. I did have one person ask if I would write an ending for Stefan and Katherine. I don't personally feel the need to write their story, because it wasn't the focus of the piece, but if enough people want it written, I will write it as a separate companion piece one-shot. Just drop me a line in a review if you feel strongly about it. I hope you all enjoy!**

**P.S. to all my fabulous reviewers, I know I usually respond to your reviews, but there is something up with either or my email, because while I can see your reviews when I click on the Reviews button by my story, I am no longer getting emails with a reply link. If I can't fix it, I will just PM you guys, because I do enjoy your lovely words. **

Elena's POV

I don't know how long I stood in front of the motel door summoning the courage to knock. Bonnie's spell gave me a general location, and I called every motel, hotel, and dive bar in the area until one finally gave me the answer I needed. The manager was reluctant to give out Damon's room number, but with a little bit of charm, I wore him down until he relented. That had been the easy part. Facing Damon and convincing him to come back with me would be much harder.

Luckily, Damon hears me nervously pacing outside his door. I don't know whether it is pity or frustration that leads him to open up, but I am eternally grateful. When I catch my first glimpse of him, I realize he looks different than I thought he would. Damon is clearly still angry and hurt and sad, but time and space have erased the look of hatred that I feared would stay with him forever. "Why are you here Elena," Damon asks warily?

"I'm here to bring you home," I answer honestly. Damon looks in no mood to have this discussion and his face shows as much. We instead engage in a game of 20 questions, or four questions as the case may be.

"Is someone dead?"

"No"

"Dying"

"No"

"Is there some imminent danger that only I can avert?"

"No"

"Then give me one good reason I shouldn't slam this door in your pretty little face," Damon asks sarcastically?

It doesn't take me but a moment to formulate my response, but it clearly isn't what Damon expected. "Because I'm in love with you," I respond sincerely. I infuse every word with as much warmth and love as I can muster. My strategy must have worked a little, because I can tell that I chipped off a little bit from Damon's wall of indifference. Shock, confusion, disbelief, and hope cloud his beautiful face. I can see Damon conduct a war within himself about whether he should believe me or not. Damon finally sets his jaw in a hard line, but he no longer looks unkind or unfeeling. If anything, he just looks scared.

His voice wavers, but it maintains its strength as he offers me a deal. "I'm gonna do you a favor right now, and I am gonna give you a chance to take that back. Walk away right now, and we can part without any more hurt feelings. But know this Elena. If you come inside, you are swearing to me that you love me, and that you're not just saying so to bring me home. If you do and I find out that you were lying, I will never forgive you. And if you don't believe me, ask my brother how long I can hold a grudge, because I assure you it will outlast any human lifespan," Damon promises with conviction. This is what Ric warned me about. Damon's doubts and insecurities are telling him that no one could ever love him. I understand him not feeling good enough, but I feel a painful tightness in my chest that Damon thinks I could lie to him about something so important.

"Do you really think that I could do that? Do you truly think so little of me," I question desperately? Hoping that the answer isn't yes.

Damon's head droops, and I spot what almost appears eerily similar to guilt. His tone only betrays how tired he is, either from a physical need to rest or an emotional need for a reprieve from the stress of fighting with me.

"I honestly don't know what to think anymore Elena. Some days I swear you are the embodiment of everything good and pure and decent in this world, the only thing left worth fighting for. Other days you say or do something that makes me question everything I thought I knew. So to quote you, I don't know anything. Either way, you've just earned yourself five minutes to convince me why I should believe that you mean what you say, and that this isn't some desperate ploy to bring me back," Damon challenges while stepping aside to let me in.

Ric assured me that I would find the words when the moment came. The moment is upon me, and I feel utterly without words. What sentiment could quell his fears and earn his trust? While the perfect words still escape me, Damon's assumption that I confessed my love as a bargaining chip to bring him home still bothers me. If we are going to clear any of this up, we need to start there. "You should believe that I love you, because this isn't about me," I assure Damon. This seems to catch Damon's attention, because with all the supernatural drama surrounding me, it is easy to forget that some things have nothing to do with me. I squat down in front of where Damon is seated on the bed, and I take his hand into my own as I speak. "When I say I love you, it isn't because I want to bring you back or because I want your forgiveness, no matter how desperately I might yearn for both. I say it because after all that you have suffered, you deserve to know, you need to know, that you are cherished in this world. I cherish you," I swear whole heartedly. Damon's face betrays him and he shows the tiniest smile before replacing it with his favorite defense mechanism, sarcasm.

"Let's say that I believe you, and I'm not saying that I do, but for the sake of argument, when did you come to this grand revelation?" Ah, progress at last, I think encouragingly to myself.

"About six hours ago," I reply. "Ric thought that I was nursing a broken heart, and he asked me what was wrong. I told him about the ball, about what I said. I don't think I have ever seen Ric so angry. It was actually kind of sweet. He was defending your honor or something. Ric asked if I was screwing with you for sport. Apparently you aren't the only one questioning my intentions as of late. Before I could stop myself, I was admitting that I loved you. After the words came out and I heard them, I realized to my complete surprise that they were true, and that it explained a whole, whole lot. I promise you, I never knew that I loved you, at least not on a conscious level until today. If I had, I would have told you," I reassure Damon emphatically. Damon just stares back puzzled.

I can't read his face, and this time not even his tone gives him away. He only sounds as if he is trying to figure something out. "So let me get this straight, I tell you that you feel something for me. Your friends tell you that you feel something for me. We kiss and you don't pull away. Yet you only realize that you are in love with me **after** you confess it to someone else. That's really what you're going with," Damon finishes summarizing.

"It's the truth," I plead, urging him to believe me.

When I see the first hint of a smile reappear, I sigh in relief. He finds this funny, thank God! He carries a tone of mockery in his voice as he speaks to me. "I have to admit as a vampire there aren't many novel experiences left. After a century or so, few stories sound interesting, nothing really surprises you, but your story is actually a first. I've never in all my years met anyone who took denial as far as you do," Damon claims jokingly. He is making fun of me again, and I love it! If it keeps him from yelling at me or throwing me out, I will even join in. There are plenty of stupid things that I do that we could talk about.

"Ric thought you might get a kick out of all of this," I admit gleefully.

"Trust me my dear, I will be enjoying the irony of this for decades, possibly centuries to come."

I am brimming with joy at how well this is going. I was half expecting Damon to have thrown me out before my five minutes were up. This is going better than I ever could have dreamed, so I find the courage to ask the question. "You're laughing. Should I take that as a good sign? Do you believe me?"

His face softens even further. Damon doesn't sound sarcastic and his voice is devoid of all mockery. "Despite myself, I think that I do. At times you've been confused, at times you've even been cruel, but I've never known you to be a liar, at least not when it mattered. So I believe you and I forgive you, but I can't come back with you." My stomach drops to the floor at my feet. I struggle to understand what Damon just said.

"What, why," I stutter?

Damon reaches up to caress my cheek, and I raise my own to hold it there, afraid that he will take it away. Sincerity rings true in every syllable, but Damon sounds so sad, it almost makes me weep. "Because I can't watch it happen again. I know now that you love me, and believe me when I say that means more than words can ever express, but I can't watch you go back to him, especially knowing that you love me too."

What, I scream to myself! That's what he's worried about. He thinks I came all this way to tell him that I love him, drag him back home and then run back to Stefan, while he stays in the background until I need him for something. And he thinks I'm the one in denial.

I try to rebut his misconception, but he doesn't even let me get two words out before he interrupts. "But Dam . . ." I start.

"No, it's okay I'm not mad. I could never blame you for loving me less than Stefan. Everybody does. Hell even I do, but you cannot ask me to go back and watch," Damon explains.

Now I'm frustrated and mad, maybe at Damon, maybe at myself, but definitely mad. "You're an idiot and you're stupid and you are right about one thing. You don't know anything."

Damon barely flinches at my verbal assault, but he's staring at me again like I am a science experiment gone horribly wrong. "Okay, not quite the response I was hoping for when I was trying to be all understanding and noble," Damon replies.

My sense returns to me, and I try to remove the frustration from my voice, but I am only moderately successful. "I didn't pick Stefan. I picked you. I'm here to be with **you! **Not even an hour ago, I told Stefan that we could never be together again. Hell, I even told him to go find Katherine and be with her, so you cannot tell me that I prefer him to you. You want proof that I love you more. What better proof could you need than me rejecting Stefan and sending him after another woman? What more can I do to get you to believe me" I plead desperately?

Damon stares silently for what I swear was three solid minutes. I checked my watch. When he does speak, I'm not sure whether I should laugh or cry. 'You're doing that thing again where you say things that don't make sense," Damon replies puzzled.

"Anything I can do to shed some light on your confusion," I offer sympathetically.

He is now the one begging, pleading. "Explain it to me Elena. Make me understand how you can say that you pick me when you seemed to replace me the second Stefan came home. That can't be a coincidence."

"It's not a coincidence, but Damon I was never trying to replace you. I just needed space," I explain sadly.

"Why? Why did you decide that you needed space then, because you have to admit that the timing is rather questionable," Damon asks unsure of himself?

His doubts are creeping back in, and I blurt again hoping that something useful comes out. "I pushed you away because I needed time to figure out how I could love you," I admit. Whatever the right words were, that wasn't it.

Damon misinterprets my words and cuts in again. "If that was your attempt at clearing things up or making me feel better, you failed miserably," Damon tells me worryingly close to sounding angry.

"Will you just let me finish," I snap. I take a breath and finally voice my inner turmoil over the past year, the things that I never even wrote in my journal.

"Before Stefan left, I might not have known that I loved you, but I knew that I felt for you more than I should, and it made me feel like a terrible person. Stefan had done nothing but love me and protect me. I couldn't justify leaving him, for his brother no less, when he had done nothing wrong, so I found a way to love you in the only way that I could, as a friend. I hugged you when you were sad. I joked with you, so you wouldn't feel alone. And I believed in you, when you had lost all faith. When Stefan and I were together, that was the only way that I knew how to love you. I kept you at arm's length, because I was so terrified that if I got too close then the possibility of you and me would be too tempting. I would want it so badly that I would sacrifice all my morals and my convictions to be with you." When I stop to take a breath, Damon gazes back at me so lovingly, so caring, like he has never felt so much or loved so fiercely. It was if we were reliving it somehow, the start of our love story. Every word brought another memory and earned another smile from Damon. I smile back at him and continue.

"But then Stefan left and everything changed. Without the constant reminder of what I was fighting for, I was able to rationalize a lot more. I needed you more. Your late night visits and the feel of your hands on my face were sometimes the only things that got me through from one day to the next. I never stopped you from touching me or sharing those private moments with me, because I never wanted you to stop. While Stefan was gone, I found a new way to love you, as my confidant, my protector, and as something that I dared not even speak aloud. But still I knew that it couldn't go further, because whatever terrible things Stefan did, we both know that he did them to protect you or to protect me, so I never let it go too far." When describing this chapter of our story, regret starts to fill my words. All I can think of is all the things I should have done differently. All the paths not taken that would have prevented so much pain. It is only when Damon nods his head in a type of understanding or acceptance that I feel better. We've both made mistakes, and his small gesture tells me that he can forgive all of it.

This gives me the confidence to talk about where it all went wrong. "The day in Abby's barn changed things, but not for the reasons that you think," I begin cautiously. Damon swallows harshly, because this is still a sore subject. I take his hand and squeeze it just a little in reassurance before I carry on with my tale. "When Stefan was lying on the ground, vulnerable and hurt, I realized how fragile he truly was, so close to reclaiming his humanity, but still too perilously close to the edge. I worried that I wouldn't know how to love you without hurting him, without the both of us losing him forever. So I pushed you away, because I needed to find a new way to love you. Because I knew how to love you before Stefan left, and I knew how to love you when he was gone, but I didn't know how to love you when he came back." Realization dawns on Damon's face. It only took a few weeks, several fights, and Damon leaving town for me to finally tell the truth. Damon finally understood that I didn't pull away from him because he wasn't enough. I pulled away, because I didn't know how to tell Stefan that the one person he sacrificed everything to save was the same person that I couldn't bear to live without.

Damon doesn't speak for another minute. Just when the silence becomes unbearable, he asks me the question that I dread most. "So what happened the night of the ball?"

Right now I'm not just scared, I'm terrified. He has forgiven everything else, but what if he can't forgive this. That night is the one event that I can't hope to explain. I don't have any pretty words to gloss over my actions. The hard truth is all that I have, and I must hope that it will be enough.

"Neither of us knew how to be together with Stefan back, so I became cold and distant," I state honestly. "Because of my coldness, you grew overprotective and controlling, because you felt me slipping away. The night of the ball all those emotions that we were denying just exploded in our faces. I'm afraid that I have no excuse for my actions of that night. I don't even have a reason except that I thought if our battle with Klaus could finally be over, I would have time to deal with you and me and how I felt. So I talked to Stefan, and in a desperate attempt to end this once and for all, I betrayed you. I felt so overwhelmed and guilty about what I did to you, and I lashed out at the nearest warm body, which ironically and unfortunately for us both, was you. For that and for so many other things, I am truly sorry." Damon doesn't look near as happy as he had a few minutes ago, but he still doesn't seem angry. He understands and he forgives, but he still doubts.

My goal in coming here was to erase every last doubt, every fear, every insecurity that he was holding onto. This was the moment that Ric was talking about, and I finally knew what to say. "I may not have known how to love you before, but I think I know how to love you now," I promise.

"And how is that," Damon questions hopefully?

"By being unapologetically selfish," I answer boldly. Damon has an appreciative smirk on his face, likely because he admires me finally taking what I want without regrets. He really is rubbing off on me. My hand gently traces the outline of his jaw, and I swear I feel him shiver at the touch. I gaze lovingly into his eyes and hold his face between my small palms so I know that I have his full attention, and I speak to him softly. "I spent a long time worrying about not hurting anybody, and in the process I wound up hurting everybody. I wound up hurting you. That will never happen again," I swear putting emphasis on every word. Damon nods and his lips crash against mine in a frenzy. I'm clawing at his shirt and he is relieving me of my jacket. How convenient that we both happen to be lying on a bed, what a time saver. As Damon has me pinned by his body weight, he stares at me, seemingly unsure and obviously with something on his mind.

"You know we can never go back," he whispers with a hint of a question in his tone. "If we take one step across this line, I'm never going to let you go," Damon promises, more vulnerable than I have ever seen him. I smile genuinely back at the man that I love and hope that my words can finally heal his damaged heart.

"Glad to hear it, because I wasn't planning on letting you go either. It's you and me, always and forever," I seal the promise with another life affirming kiss. He doesn't ask me what I mean by forever, and his lips against mine feel too good to stop to explain. Someday we will have a long discussion about our future. Because what I said to him, I meant every word. That of course is another story entirely.

**As Always Please Read And Review**


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